So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
