put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
