I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
