So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
