You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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