No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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