I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
