tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I love having hate sex.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
