My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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