smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
