So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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