Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
