apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize