What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
