My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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