I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize