You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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