She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
