I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
