this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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