I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
