tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
