So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
