i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm way too hungover for life right now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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