He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
