You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
