The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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