i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
