im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
