When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize