I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
