last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
