we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
