i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
