he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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