I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
