He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you never un-have a 4some
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
