Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
