His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
