OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
