there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
