U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
