Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
