im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
