On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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