Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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