Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
