Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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