he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
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