Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
