god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
