he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
