I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
