My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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