I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize